How to make Norwegian Black Metal


do you want to stand out in high school
worship Satan and turn your D&D roleplay videos into music videos do you want to
look like a cute mall Panda does your local church look a bit cold to you then
I got the genre for you: Norwegian Black Metal Let’s worship Satan while we eat goat cheese. Norwegian black metal is what would
happen if a Scandinavian teenager had more absinthe than blood in his system it’s
basically a bunch of guys who are trying to express their anger while having no
idea how to record or play their instruments a lot of it sounds like
basement recording and a cheap cassette with no sense of balance, which most of it was by the way the genre takes both inspiration from thrash metal and death
metal then drown it in cave reverb and vocal speaks higher than your average
frog but first you have to understand Norway
it’s a filthy overpopulated place filled with politeness bright clothes and a
refusal that fascism was rather accepted back in World War two then the 90s
happened everything was dark, miserable plenty of earned burned churches and
radio music sound like this: NO PLEASE STOP! So blackmail came out as a response to the
traditional Christian values by the Norwegian culture completely ignoring
the Norwegian punk movement that happened at the same time by the way
most of the members had their own cults like the black inner circle where edgy
teenagers would hang out in a record shop. “Well, it’s nice to see you, but…” “No! Let’s listens to more demo tapes, right?” The group’s goal was to voice their anti-christian values and hatred for humanity by trying to conquer Norway with
evil as evil conquered Norway? I guess. Anyway, it got to the point where everyone tried to
out evil each other in the jerk-off circle this includes vandalism Church burning
killing each other and killing that killer to prove they’re more evil most
famous one was Varg Vikernes who was part of the church burning and stabbed
someone in the head that’s one way to make a unicorn I guess then most of them were
arrested for various crimes including satanic decorations explosives and no
sense of regret for what they did and for one brief moment Norway was
interesting but now the Norwegian black metal community actually makes music and
is now dominated by edgy teens joking about church burning You win some, you lose some I guess. Actually, I wonder what Vard Vikernes is doing these days… * Types normally for once * Let’s find out! Ah, he’s making
WatchMojo content but somehow more racists how do you even manage that
anyway let’s talk about something more fun the fun fact one time a band called
mayhem was staying at a cabin writing songs and they all hated each other then
a band member “Dead” killed himself with a shotgun to live up
to his nickname he left a suicide note saying sorry for the blood Cheers
along with an apology for finding a shotgun indoors Euronymous was the one
who discovered the suicide scene but instead of calling the ambulance like a
normal person he ran to the store bought a camera and took some photos
he even rearranged the scene like placing the shotgun more in frame
then he took fragments of the skulls turned him into pretty necklaces and
sent them to various members of the metal community the suicide photo was
used as an album cover on one of their bootleg albums we have fun here now what is the difference between
Norwegian black metal and regular black metal hmm basically it’s black metal
made in Norway and that’s it it’s just branding really so the biggest
step is to be Norwegian Well, that was easy! but first let’s talk about being TRVE KVLT yes it’s
spelled like that no I don’t know why TRVE CVLT or as we say in Norway “true kult”
is a positive way of describing underground black metal
it’s basically modern-day black metal hipster slang so you’re not KVLT
one has heard of you it’s also a way of saying cool like dude there was so KVLT
like gnarly tones and you’re unpronounceable name it’s so mmh! KVLT a
cool way of describing sound album art limited edition black metal vinyls and
impending doom you feel when a record label wants to sign you so let’s talk
about how to make your black metal very KVLT as fuck! By the way, if you’re a real cultist this does not apply to you. just like pop music
black metal is all about fashion music is optional the essential fashion choice
is black on black with panda makeup and spikes the spikes create a lot of
accidental death via group hugs the black metal makeup is inspired by kiss
and that one-time Slayer put on eyeliner but every black male band
tries to make it their own by adding different shapes and drips on them it’s
like playing shapes and colors with kids you know find the right shape for your
face Billy! Andreas! What? Do you have any money? For makeup? It’s for the Black Metal thing. I’m trying to pay down my student debt and makeup is just super expensive dangit! I’m keeping this! Album cover make it look like an Old Norse painting and
throw in some trees birches love them some trees or just take a photo of
yourself making a face make it black and white then boost a threshold if not just
gonna photo yourself making the most Awkward pose you can think of I call this one… THV CRVB! band names just call yourself after some
dark fancy place preferably Lord of the rings seriously Norwegians have a
massive hard-on for Tolkien or something evil and related to winter also give
yourself an edgy name and call it a day why call yourself Ola Norman Magnesen
when it can be known as DEAD MAN the EVIL but now the most important part
music videos buy an antique VHS camera and film yourself dicking around in the forest
while pretending someone will take this seriously optionally film it in winter
and now for the most optional part the music all you need is the band standard
guitar drums bass screamer and goat The goat is for later
guitar some black fellows sounds like crap they use a lot of cheap solid state
combo amps so all you have to do is lower the bass and throw in some reverb
you know that joke that punk rock only uses three chords well black male only
uses two chords take that anarchist! Just go half step up or half step down done
tremolo picking is built into the genre so learned to masturbate furiously and
you’ll be a master in no time feel free to throw in some long chords broken
chords and some groovy chords if you want an easy mode guitar scale
harmonic minor or freaky and dominant is KVLT enough bass surprisingly bass
actually does something more than just exists bass players didn’t really
care about tone so just throw on a distortion pedal play random notes and
hope no one notices your mistake vocals scream like an aggressive cat or like
you got kicked in the balls Drums: It’s either all blast speed speed or find the
nearest Norwegian pop band but can you do blast speed in 6/8 I don’t think so
but it’s gonna be loud and full of reverb so a few people will notice your
mistakes the sloppier the more cults but the best
part is that you don’t need a lot of cymbals just high hat, ride, and one or
two crashes overuse the hi-hat and ride until they break and now for something
really optional synth Oh yeah! Nonono, don’t play those Church chords have you forgotten who our
enemies are stop it most synth players barely play
more than one note at a time they just play one note to add a simple sustaining
drone to the song so just play one note and you’re settled Perfect and now for the goat
that’s for decoration Norwegian blackmail is not just above fashion but
also stage presence the stage is your canvas gallons of pig blood is your
paint and you are the paintbrush * Basically arts & craft * Norwegian black metal is like theatre
production, so decorate the stage with your heart’s desire to make it come to
life and maybe play some music just remember that your roadies are gonna
hate you and now for the even more least important part have you heard of satan because black
metal artists sure has you can also take inspiration from Lovecraft, Poe, D&D,
Barney the dinosaur all equally dark influences make sure to sing about
castles sacrifices Satan demon family values and Satan but don’t you ever
forget about Satan but also remember rhyming is optional the important thing
is that the lyrics are overly story-driven and full of DaRk ImAgErY huhu,
I’m so KVLT so just tell a weird horror story about Satan or something
pretend you’re a narrator DIY Lord of the Rings short film with all the same
quality as your music videos! Optionally make it more verbose so just copy each
word into thesaurus.com replace it with something more fancy and you got
instant blackmetal lyrics I think I accidentally wrote an immortal
song oh well back in the day they couldn’t afford fancy-schmancy recording
stuff do you think edgey teens who devote their life to Satan and arson has any
money what they would mostly do is just get a cassette recorder place it in the
middle of band practice and call it a day the cassette became a popular
aesthetic for the black metal sound even modern black etal artists spend more
time making their mix sound vintage rather than good we’re gonna show you
how to make black male like a normal person and then show you how to make it
sound like crap or as the kids call it TRVE KVLT set your project to around 220
ppm in 6/8 for the most evil rhythm load up your drum minion and get a drum set
with a clicky kick and some nice reverb get at least three types of drum
patterns and copy/paste your drum patterns are blastbeats
groove things and dinging ding you see it goes ding-ding-ding load up your
guitar with a distortion pedal or 20 set the low and mid down in the high
impressions to 11 then add some reverb on them birches love reverb bass can exist
don’t forget the distortion when adding vocals and a bit of gain and delay on it
when mixing make sure the cave is neat and comfy now to get that cassette
effect add your most evil EQ on the master track cut out the bass in a bit
of the top optionally add your fancy synth now let’s see how KVLT this became: NIGHTSWORD Scary Night My lord Satan An eternity of scary planets Nobody knows how big, or old you are But you have good taste in music, at least. O my lord Satan So big and powerful you’ve become Now will Nattesverd taste you My lord congratulations you’re now a TRVE KVLT
underground Norwegian arsonist now press some cassettes tapes and some
vinyls and don’t tell anyone you exist you can’t let people know you exist then
you’re not KVLT anymore ButI wanna share my music! no you can’t the end or booster

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