How To Be Black Metal!

How To Be Black Metal!

hello I am Stevie T and today we are gonna be talking about the most evil genre of music that ever existed black metal that’s right today I’m gonna teach you how to be black metal now I know what we’re all thinking how can I teach someone how to be black metal I mean look at me I’m the last person in the world who can cross as a black metal artist like who would actually take me seriously in black metal but the fact of the matter is I actually do listen to a lot of black metal and I like to think I’m at least a little bit well-versed in the black metal community now the idea of being a black metal artist is being a nonconformist so just be sure to follow all these strict rules and you’ll be a total nonconformist so anyway let’s first address how black metal was first invented all right so first we’re gonna address how to look black metal so first you’re gonna choose your least favorite black t-shirt and you’re gonna cut the arms off snippy’s Society wants your arms to be intact but we are true evil true rebellion slurps and then you’re gonna need a pair of black pantaloons a super evil gnarly belt with a super gnarly evil belt buckle a big belt buckle don’t forget to make your own custom inverted cross necklace because we’re evil that’s what evil people do ah yeah and then to top it all off a black wig ah I look more like Joey Ramone why do you ladies ready for housing Wow now there’s only one thing left and then we will look true black metal evil and that is copious amounts of makeup because nothing says evil like makeup so now it is time to apply our makeup hmm we’re like girls so there we go what do you guys think hello get one thing in the game I’m sorry that’s probably so creepy and voila the penguin catwalk rant but for black metal the key is lots and lots of makeup it’s not called makeup it’s called corpse paint you see no no it’s makeup it’s makeup it’s what girls wear to look pretty it’s makeup and now for the most obvious and most important part of our black metal get up the nail wristbands and shin pads what do you think gir totally evil oh my gosh now be careful because these things are gnarly they could cause bodily injury and they can cause property damage as well Oh someone keyed my car before all else we need a black metal name cuz I can’t be Stevie T and be releasing black metal material people would laugh at me so to find a black metal name all you really have to do is Google a list of demon names and then you just close your eyes and point and there you go you have your black metal name my black middle name is Kane I came I came it came CA ym you sicko now we just need a black metal band name just choose any words that sound evil so on the one hand I could call my band fire flame inferno or frozen forest frost I think I have my new black metal band name I now present to you my black metal band frozen forest frost and of course you have to have a band logo or a band font and you want it to be as unreadable as possible in fact just make squiggly lines and that’s your band font because if people can read your band name it means you’re a sellout and your mainstream and you should probably just go be a pop star and don’t forget it is a strict rule that in black metal each band spots have an inverted cross on either end because we’re super super evil I can’t even believe how evil we are the Stevie T is making fun of my kind he must be sacrificed because we are true evil [Music] grandma’s here wait I can be seen by her looking like this [Music] Memaw oh alright so now we’re gonna be talking about how to write black metal music so now you’re gonna pick up a black guitar it has to be a black guitar any other guitar is not evil but I’m using a seven string because I’m also quite gentie I’m gonna be using my sexy 7 string Kiesel SC B seven alright so now as a black metal guitarist all you really need to know how to do is to tram pick and do octaves that’s all you’re gonna need to know to write a black metal song that’s that’s it now when writing black metal music you’re gonna only want to focus on evil sounding scales to write your songs like if you were to use the major scale you have a happy sounding black metal song and we all know what happens when black metal sounds happy and black metal might as well be called carpal tunnel core because at the end of a black metal song you’re gonna have carpal tunnel in your wrists [Music] my wrist well my wrist need water Wow [Music] [Applause] [Music] hello top of the mornin to ya I mean whoa who is this hello my name is nabis and I’m calling in regards to a spot in your black metal band what do you like to do in your spare time oh well you know I like to burn churches you know I like to sacrifice animals and I also enjoy killing my fellow bandmates and eating their innards as a sacrifice to the Dark Lord are you true evil oh goodness me absolutely absolutely you’re in oh goody splendid that means a guy whoa oh Jesus you don’t love gentie at all I’m black metal now I guess you want true evil Jesus why’d you bring your guitar we’re done tracking guitars okay that sounds good that sounds amazing actually Carmen I mean it sounds good that’s oyster SIA T wants me to sound make it sound like I’m coming through a toilet bowl okay and turn down the bass [Applause] number of albums sold 12 I’ve sold more than 10 albums I’m a sellout I’m basically a pop star said I’m killing myself mom I need you to come take a picture of my dead body for my next album cover alright so now the only step is to make a music video did it snow ah I couldn’t do a black metal music video and grass so what what inspires you say thin-cut that concludes our interview thank you was so much fun okay can we wrap this up quick guys I gotta get home to watch the new Glee they’re doing Madonna tonight and I’m so excited [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] da-da-da-dah lot of it [Music] we I did don’t make a monetary they’ll get we are a new area so there you have it folks now we’re totally black metal so enjoy drinking from your cauldron enjoy sacrificing goats and stabbing fellow band members you’re evil you’re so evil so until next time bye keep it metal or something

100 thoughts on “How To Be Black Metal!

  1. You're not supposed sound like you're coming through a toilet bowl, You're supposed to sound like you're coming through a sewer.

  2. Hahahahaha this was obviously something you planned for a while, how much time span actually passed between the grass shot and snow shot? That was pretty unexpected! I love it!

  3. For me, the copious amounts of makeup and failed attempts to appear 'crazy' have made metal a very basic and familiar genre.

    Gothic rock has always been under the hood kind of guy. Nobody saw him, until, they saw him, or to put it correctly, listened him.

    Gothic rock matches the same hunger for niche and hidden aspects of human psyche as metal.

  4. This is how a black metal band looks for new members: black metal band seeks bandmates. It doesn't matter what instrument you play we are going to kill you anyway

  5. I love Extreme Metal, but you are very successful in how the current bands see this genre of music … and how the creators of this movement are children of a good family with the only problem of taking punk to metal.

  6. White noise and inverts the white noise dj In life we see toons in death we where puppets controled by a faceless clown blood sweat and tears

  7. lol
    I am a mediocre guitarist with a bedroom black metal project, but it's more depressive than evil. Your joke song sounds better than my material.

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